Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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