ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Randomize
