update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
