I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
