i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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