I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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