FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
drinking out of a sandbucket again
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
