he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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