I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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