I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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