the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
