watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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