I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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