She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
it glows. i had to have it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
