you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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