I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
