No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
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