You made me cry and you don't even care
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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