I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
