I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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