He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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