If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
