Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
