I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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