quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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