so let's talk penis.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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