Acid is not a monday night drug
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
