Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize