Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
