I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Hippo gnu deer
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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