Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
