Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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