You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
