after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
BRING THE BAGELS
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize