i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
