Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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