If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
