I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
