did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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