He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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