he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
