if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Randomize
