nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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