I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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