i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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