totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
