It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
