He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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