you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Drunk is a universal language darling
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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