Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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