You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
