i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
