i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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