You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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