she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
