It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
