Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
