I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
