Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
