I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
