i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
