No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
